Apparently you make a good broom.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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