Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
