If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
