I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
