I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
