i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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