Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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