So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
