Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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