You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
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