i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
