Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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