Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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