So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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