he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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