Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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