I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize