i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
