Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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