I wish I only lived at night.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
