i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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