u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
