The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
