My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
