Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We had to coat check the pizza.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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