just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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