did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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