he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
