Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
