meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
