Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
