I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
