so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
