Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
