Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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