There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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