I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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