two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
