Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
