and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
