My balls are so social today.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
