I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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