spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
