I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
