drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
