Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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