My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
