Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
