Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
