At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize