I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
