My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Randomize
