So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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