The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
