3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Who put my cat in the fridge?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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